a new year

I wanted to finish my previous post, but I started it a few days ago and I realized I want to talk about New Years. I don't usually have any particular feelings towards this holiday. I'm not big on making resolutions; people rarely keep them. However, this year more than ever before, I really like the idea of a new beginning. A fresh start. A new year, full of hope of what could be.

This is probably because this has been a theme in my life over the last year; all things new. I really believe God makes all things new, and this year really feels that way. A gift of a new start. I can't remember ever feeling any different on new years. Kind of like how everyone always asks you if you feel older on your birthday and the answer is always no. This year feels more real, more vivid. I feel more alive. In fact, I think that's it. I feel alive. I feel as though I've awoken from sleep. Not a nightmare, not really a dream, but not reality either. This is my life. And I love it. I love where God has me. I'm so thankful to begin a new year this way. I have my family and I have my new family. I have my friends and my community. I am living out my dreams, as a friend recently pointed out to me. It took so long, and happened slowly, but she's right. This is what I had sat in the car and shared out of my heart about to her and her husband. Probably over two years ago...and now it's here.

It's real. God has actually brought me where He said He would. He brought alive the dreams He gave me. I know that shouldn't surprise me, but it still brings me to tears. I almost lost them, but He didn't let that happen. He has made all things new, and I know He'll keep going.

So happy new year. A year filled with possibilities, with dreams and with hope. Probably filled with trials and hard times and tears, but there will be joy. Oh, but there will be joy.

Ranomness

I'm in a blogging mood, so it's really unfortunate that I'm at work. Maybe I'll throw in a few thoughts while I'm on hold for phone calls, or over my lunch break while I'm working with tech support to get my laptop working. Yes kids, I'm frustrated with my PC. You may be close to turning me except that I can't afford to get a mac right now.

I feel like I've had so many thoughts running around in my head lately. I haven't really had/taken the time to process through all of them. I don't really think this would be the best medium for that, so I should probably start journaling again. As much as I'm sure you all love to read about my every thought, they aren't all ones I want to post on the internet for the world to see.

Speaking of worlds, I can feel mine shifting again. Sometimes I feel like I'm in Chicago again; the way my heart and spirit feel. My life is not much like that time period on the outside. I'm working a full-time desk job. I'm thankful for it, or I know I should be so it's more of an acknowledgement than a feeling, but I want work I enjoy. I think that makes me a product of our generation. Where generations past just stuck with whatever job was stable and provided for their needs, ours feels entitled to something that fulfills us. I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with that, it's just different and lends to its own set of problems. Or maybe it is. Maybe we're catering to the whims of our desires, seeking satisfaction in something that was never meant to satisfy.

Either way, God can still move. If we have a job we enjoy, or one that we are just thankful to have, that can't stop Him. So, I suppose in the light of eternity, does it matter if I have a job that fulfills me? After all, it's not about me. I just want to be in a job where I feel I'm doing the most I can to bring Isaiah 61 to reality in the lives of others. God, please let it come soon.

Christmas time

I've had a lot of thoughts buzzing around in my head about Christmas recently. Go figure. It's really challenged me this year in a way that it hasn't before, or maybe not for a long time at least. What are we doing really? Why do we place such importance in buying and giving gifts, to the point where countless people go into dept each year for it. All in the name of Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy receiving a thoughtful gift, but it just seems that we do this on such a grandiose scale and out of obligation because it's just what we do.

And our Christmas music! Ok, again, I like Christmas music. I'm always ready to listen to it sooner than most, as some of you know well. :) But as we've listened to it at work this year I've really started to think about some of the songs as I've heard them for the umpteenth time. There's one that's something about a merry cherry Christmas or something ridiculous; it never makes sense. There's also the one about here comes Santa Claus and part of one of the verses says something like: Santa knows we're all God's children, that makes everything right, so let's give thanks to the Lord above cause Santa Claus comes tonight. What?!! That line makes me sick. Why are we thanking the Lord above because a mythical creature is coming to give us lots of stuff we don't really need? I mean really. Our holiday, at least most of it, is more about the stuff we get than anything else. It's about shopping, and getting the perfect gift, or just lots of gifts because one really thoughtful one wouldn't be enough.

And we buy into it as Christians. Let's just be honest with ourselves, we do. I have, I do. I go shopping, I feel the need to buy stuff, and there's something in me that fights against the thought that maybe it doesn't have to be like this. I mean, kids need to get lots of presents on Christmas in order to be happy right? Which means that some people will have a good Christmas and for others it will just be a painful reminder that our society sees them as the havenots, as not as valuable because they do not have...what? It's true though. We feel bad for people who won't get a big Christmas, and it stirs up some kind of guilt in us sometimes that we will. Or we feel that they need to get all kinds of stuff to be happy. I know that may not be what we truly believe, but we act as if it is so maybe...

Movies have been stirring things in me recently. We watched a Christmas Carol the other night and other than some of the characters being so creepy I needed to close my eyes, it really made me think. I don't want to hold back. I want to be generous and give, but that movie was still coming out of our culture that depicts having more as being more happy. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Blessed are the poor. Selling all you have for a treasure. It was the rich that Jesus warned. It was the stuff the rich man had and wasn't willing to give up that kept him from following Jesus. So why don't we show another way at Christmas time? We give toys so that others can have something at Christmas time, and that's nice and all. Sure, it will make them happy for a night, or maybe even a week (how long do your kids really pay attention to their new toys?) but they'll eventually break. It all goes back to dust. Maybe it'll bring a little hope, but is it hope that lasts? Or is it a bandaid on a wound that we're unwilling to enter into the pain to really heal?

We went and saw Avatar last night. Great movie, by the way. That really hit me in a lot of ways too. We are those people. We take what we want because we're the powerful ones. People in general, the west, we have a history of this. If that planet and technology existed, we would totally do what the humans in the movie do. And for what? Stuff. Money. The almighty dollar. Mammon. Is it enough to give it away so that others can have toys or knick knacks? Does that really break its power? How can we give in a way that truly lasts? We are blessed to be a blessing, but I feel that doesn't look like how we've made it out to be.

I wish I had the answers. I wish I had this figured out so that I felt like my life truly reflects Jesus in every area. I want to be Jesus and not Santa Claus. I want to offer living water like He did. I want to give my life. But right now I feel I'm stuck in the in between; unsure of how to be different but not content with how things are. It's an uncomfortable place to be, but it's resting in this place that we truly change. It's in the discomfort, that we often avoid, that we discover truth and healing. Let's sit in it until we get revelation of how to make Christmas something that would really honor Christ.

goodness

This is the beginning of my most recent email to my prayer team. It's about my mom and some of what God has done through all of this.

Dear friends,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. I think about you all often, and am constantly thankful for your prayers. My life has felt like one big ball of chaos for the last month, but it's slowing down now, as far as I can see. Praise the Lord!

My mom is doing better. Recovery will take quite a while I think, but she's doing well. She just gets tired really easily. Please pray for her continued recovery and wisdom on how to handle her health. Actually, I don't remember what the last email was, or how much detail I gave out, but I want to make sure you here some of it. So, maybe settle in for a few minutes since I tend to be long-winded in my story telling. :)

God has been so good. I'm really not sure I should tell this story as I sit here on my lunch break because I haven't dwelt on it much since it happened because I have not had time in life to pause, and I get overwhelmed by it still. My mom almost died. The doctors say if it had been a few more hours she would no longer be with us. He kidneys had failed, her blood sugar was coma level and her temperature was so low. Not only should she probably not have been alive, based off her test results once I got her to the ER, she at least should have been in a coma. She told my dad and I later that when she was in the ER bed she felt Jesus with her in way different than she ever had before and she knew that was the decision point; she remembers asking Him if she got to stay with us or if she was going with Him then. God spared my mom's life. He was so gracious I can't even wrap my heart around it, I think that's what overwhelms me the most. God had my grandma call me because she was worried about my mom, and she worries a lot, so I didn't think too much of it at first, but God prompted my heart 30 minutes later to call and check on her. That's when I knew I needed to get home to take care of her, I still had no idea how bad it was until I drove down to Olathe, which takes me about 40 minutes. My mom tells people I saved her life. I have a hard time hearing that because I don't know how to respond. I don't feel I did anything heroic. But if I hadn't listened to God, oh if I hadn't heeded His nudge on my heart. My world would be very different now. I cannot express how thankful I am that God has been teaching me how to listen to him these past few years, even if it only ever led up to just that moment. God has been preparing me for years to hear Him in that moment, and His goodness in that blows me away.

So, that's a little bit of the story. Everyone was amazed that she was alive, let alone doing so well. She was in the ICU for 3 days, and then moved to the other side of the floor, total of a week in the hospital. Crazy. Praise the Lord for all He has done. His love is so huge; He never ceases to amaze me. I know I shouldn't be surprised anymore, and He definitely shouldn't have to prove Himself to me, but I am so thankful that He does. I'm reading in Phillipians and today was reading about how Jesus lay down His privileges. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." I feel like He has laid down the privilege of being God and needing to prove Himself to no one, and because of His love for me He chooses to prove it. He's been doing it so much recently. The crazy thing is, I get all of that, but it still amazes me and I have no idea what to do with it in a sense. I just want to love Him back the best I can. I want to make Him smile. :)

Youth violence...

So, I just spent my entire weekend, and tonight, working on a final project on youth violence. This is the final paragraph of my paper, tying in a faith component to the issue. It may be a bit of a rant, but my heart has been heavily burdened for the last few days and this is what came out.

The faith communities need to rise up and let their voices be heard crying out for the generations who are dying on the streets. Christians need to take Isaiah 61 to heart and seek to set the oppressed free and declare a day of freedom for the captives. They can no longer sit inside their safe fortresses of church buildings while the world is dying around them. They must realize how their inaction is affecting the city. They must be told. Christians who know, who have seen, who have experienced the devastation of what is happening in the urban cores to youth need to arise and go to the Body. It is time for the people of God to repent of our hard and fearful hearts. The disciples of Jesus must take a stand for the injustices happening in the inner city. It will take more than a trip once a year to clean up a neighborhood. It will take partnerships and relationships. It will take resources. Restoration and redemption of the cities will take something altogether unseen to this point by the current generations of believers. Forging a way for the youth to be free from violence will require the sacrifice of a way of life; but then again, we have always been told that we will find our life in death.

Christmas tree

So, we just got a Christmas tree today. A real one!!! I've never had a real tree before, and I just discovered that I enjoy it more than I thought possible. It's beautiful, and for whatever reason, it makes my heart really really happy. Seriously excited and full of joy. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why that is, and it seems sort of odd to me that this would be bringing me joy like this. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because it was a new experience and it was a ton of fun. Maybe it's because it's like having a little bit of outside inside, and I know soon it will be too cold to be outside.

Or maybe it's something else. Maybe God just wants to put a little bit of joy in my life in a new and unexpected way. Maybe He wanted to surprise me, because He knows I truly love surprises. I've had so much going on in my life recently, so many stresses; feeling so overwhelmed. Coming apart at the seams. And then my precious Lord gives me an unexpected gift. He's been doing that a lot lately. I've known He is good, always, I've seen it and experienced His goodness in such ways that I know I will always believe it; even when I do not feel it. But lately it's just been so evident. Actually, it reminds me of how Graham Cooke talks about God giving him a revelation of His kindness each day. It's been sort of like that.

So, everytime I think about this tree, or tell someone about it, this seemingly irrational joy wells up in my heart. It seems a bit crazy to me. I've been worried there's something wrong with me. I mean...it's a tree. But maybe it's more than that. Maybe my heart recognizes that it was more like a gift from my Love, and that's why this joy is overcoming me, despite any circumstances.

That is what joy is afterall. Slightly irrational, it comes not because of what is surrounding it, but in spite of it. It surprises us. It cannot be broken. Joy holds a strength that cannot be rivaled because it is rooted in something so deep it cannot be shaken. This tree will die eventually, and I will have to say goodbye, but the joy will remain because it isn't really about the tree. It's about Who made it, and Who gave it to us. Joy packaged in an evergreen surprise. Who'd have guessed? I love it. And I love Him.

Love letters

Now before you get too excited about the title, I mean love letters from God. I have some time over my lunch break and I decided I wanted to post. If I only write when I feel super inspired then I may not get in the habit of actually doing it, but I am always thinking, so here goes. :)

God has been really wonderful recently. Not that He isn't normally, but lately I've been blown away by how He's been showing me His love. I don't deserve it. Although, that sentiment is part of the problem I think. I know theologically we don't deserve His love and grace, none of us ever can, but recently God has been showing me that I've taken that too far. I've been surprised when He's done something loving, and then I feel bad that I've been surprised. I know God answers prayer, I've seen it, and I've experienced Him being real in my life. So why should I be surprised when He answers my prayers? Why should I be surprised when He comes through and why in the world do I deserve for Him to prove Himself to me?? I don't really. He's God and I'm just a girl. But that's the thing. He has reminded me that His love for me, for us, is that big that He laid down His right to not have to prove Himself because He is God and chose to show me love in a way I can understand it. In a way my desperate heart needs. God loves me so much that He's choosing to prove His love to me. I think He wants me to believe that I deserve to be loved like that because He says that I do.

That changes everything. I want to believe it. I believe it for you, and I want to know it deep down in my soul for me too.

He's been answering my prayers in a way I've never seen before. He's been meeting my needs before I even realized they were there, and most of all He's making sure that my heart stays alive. Sometimes being alive hurts, ok, a lot of the time...maybe most, but I believe it's always worth it. One of my friends referenced Frederick Buechner recently and said that we should listen to our tears because they are often our heart's way of trying to tell us something; a way to listen to our life. Well, I find great comfort in that because I find those tears often these days. Don't worry about me. It's just my heart trying to tell me something, or my Life. I've been hearing a lot recently. It's been hard. But being alive is so good. Just like the Velveteen Rabbit, when you are real you don't mind being hurt:

"It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."